Broken toy

I’m feeling like a broken toy. One that everyone wants to fix. But, I know I cannot be fixed.  I appreciate everyone’s efforts all the same. I’m trying to do my best to get myself in order, to make myself better but it never seems to be enough.  Enough for me and sometimes enough for everybody else.  I don’t want anybody to think I’m ungrateful or that I don’t appreciate the effort because I do. I just don’t know that they don’t have expectations set too high.  All I can do is try my best and hope that it’s enough. I hope that everybody understands that I am doing my best and that their support in there well intentions mean a lot to me.

I’m taking my pills, I’m going to bed at a reasonable time, and trying to remember to eat even though were just very hard for me to do so. For example today I have an eaten anything because I just…I’m not hungry.  I’m trying to focus on whatever I’m doing, and sometimes even though it’s hard to do that. Not really sure what to do. How do you make yourself more interested in what you’re doing? You just keep doing it and hope see you gain more interest in it or do you give up and find something else?
I’m trying to do a lot of reading, I don’t have a lot of concentration to do even that sometimes. Trying to spend time with everybody even though I know I haven’t seen everybody yet.  I don’t want people to be offended if I haven’t spent enough time with them, there’s only so much time in a day. I’m trying not to overwhelm myself or Kevin for that matter. I’m trying to learn how to crochet, but if I don’t have much of a knack for it.  I don’t think in the end I will be like my grandmother or like my mother in that sense. 

Catching up with old friends is good, I guess I just don’t want to answer when they ask me how I’m doing. I am doing good?  Do I say I’m struggling?  What do you say when you feel like you’re barely holding your own?  I guess I just have to use a patented answer “I’m struggling, but do my best whenever I can”.  

I know I need to work on my marriage more. Communicate better and stop shutting down. Guess I didn’t realize I was doing it so much does pointed out to me again. I have a lot to do, so much to work on. I need to review my notes, from all the courses that I’ve done and find what works for me and what doesn’t and what doesn’t. I need to learn new coping skills, I need to get new hobbies, I need to take better care of myself and I need to take better care of my marriage.

This is all that I have to do this summer. Seems insurmountable, I guess that’s why they call it hard work. No pain, no gain, right?  Hopefully I’ll have a cheerier update next time.  For now I’m going to read. Have a good day everybody!


2 thoughts on “Broken toy

  1. Oh my sweetest Amanda! I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. I hate when people say “I’m sorry to hear….” because that implies that they would have been better off not hearing about it….which I guess is true for some people. Not with me though. When I ask how are you, I really mean how are you? If you’re terrible and need help of just need to vent then that’s what you should tell me. It’s horrible when we feel that we don’t live up to other peoples’ expectations, especially when we eventually realize that no one’s expectations matter one whit other than our own.
    So many people have opinions about how we should lead our lives, where we should be at whatever point in our lives, what we should be doing, what we should be feeling etc etc etc it’s a constant barrage of other peoples’ issues being jammed down our throats. As I said, things go much easier when you realize that your life is YOUR life and the only person’s happiness that you are RESPONSIBLE for is YOURS. Not even your spouse. Sure, it’s important to work on any relationships in our lives, to make them as successful as they can be but you can only do as much as you are able to do. YOUR happiness is what matters. It may sound selfish at times but you are living your life, no one else’s. In the end, or down the road, you will look back on your life and regardless of who is there by your side YOU will still be there so THAT is the person to make happy.
    All this is of course, my opinion, which as I mentioned, everyone has one of, so you may take it or leave it but I hope that it brought you even a smidgen of peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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